Photo by Harry Quan on Unsplash
During an interview with Sam Jones, the famed actor Dax Shepard talked about the moment that made him turn his life around. Though he was probably at the peak of success career-wise, he was at rock-bottom emotionally. He admits, “I’m doing everything I had dreamt of doing for 30 years. It all came true. And I am the least happy I’ve ever been in my life.” He continues, “And I have every single thing on paper I’ve ever wanted.”1
When I first heard and pondered the question, “Are you satisfiable?”, I was taken aback. It was scary to think that perhaps the answer was “no”. Afterall, here I was, with accomplished goals that a few short years prior was all I thought I needed to be happy – but am I? I got the house, past the PT certification test, started a business and am blessed enough to not have to work at stressful, soul-crushing jobs anymore. So what’s the issue here? Why do I still often find myself so unhappy? And why especially was comedy star Dax Shepard, who seemingly had it all, unhappy? Let’s look at some potential reasons so that by the time you get to the end of your rainbow, you won’t find yourself disappointed if there’s not any gold.
The “I’ll Be Happy When” Illusion – Once goals are accomplished, there are many more to take their place and we need to get okay with life always being a work in progress. It should be that way. We should always strive to improve ourselves and not just sit on our thumbs. A red flag to be wary of is if you’ve ever found yourself saying or thinking, “I’ll be happy when…”. This is an illusion, followed by short-term happiness if any. Sometimes I find myself thinking that once everything I want and need to do can get “checked off”, then I can relax and be happy. But then I remind myself of the entire mission of this blog – that life is a journey, not a destination. Mary Laura Philpott similarly admits falling victim to this deception in her book, I Miss You When I Blink. She bemoans, “The to-do list was supposed to get smaller and smaller as you checked off everything you meant to do and approached the finish line of bona fide adulthood. Instead, you got to the end of the list and didn’t feel like you’d arrived anywhere.”2 Racing toward the end of the rainbow with misguided expectations only leads to fool’s gold.
Needs Aren’t Met – Most of us are probably familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. The pyramid is a nice, clear visual of what we humans need to thrive in this world. The bottom represents needs that typically require getting met first before moving up the pyramid, although it is normal to have only partial needs met at different levels. Note that the most updated version of this pyramid includes “Self-Transcendence” at the top, which I intentionally included here.3 I think it’s important because sometimes when we don’t feel satisfied with our lives after seemingly “having it all”, the mystery could very well be that we don’t have a strong sense of meaning or we don’t see the bigger picture of our existence.
This may seem like a First World problem to some, but it is still, nevertheless, a need. Dallas Willard states in his book, The Divine Conspiracy, “Meaning is not a luxury for us. It is a kind of spiritual oxygen, we might say, that enables our souls to live (Frankl, 1985, as cited in Willard, 1998).” Who are we in essence? Simply speaking, aren’t we our souls as opposed to our bodies? If we are essentially souls, then it only makes sense that we as souls have needs that must be addressed. Willard continues, “It is a ‘going beyond,’ a transcendence of whatever state we are in toward that which completes it.”4 This is where our ikigai comes into play. The happiest among us are those who have found their ikigai. This Japanese term basically refers to our life’s purpose, or, according to the peoples of Okinawa, our reason for getting up in the morning.5
I can see it as an expression of Maslow’s top two tiers on his pyramid, Self-Actualization and Self-Transcendence. You can reach your full potential by doing what you love and getting paid for what you’re good at, etc., but you also transcend beyond the self when you make it your mission to lovingly serve others.
Our bodies obviously have basic needs that must be met; afterall, it is the vessel that when working optimally, will better serve the soul. When our bodies are well cared for, we are more equipped to transcend the soul because we don’t have to worry about things like starving or regulating our temperature, etc. – which are things that require immediate intervention.
There are many other reasons of why we may find ourselves unsatisfied with our lives. Some reasons may be obvious, some not. Either way, I encourage you to do some personal reflection without judgement. Here’s a list of additional potential reasons to think about:
- Mental Illness
- Lack of Gratitude
- Rigid Expectations
- Indulging in Unpleasant, False Beliefs
- Drifting Away from the Present Too Often
- Victimizing Yourself
Finally, (to really hammer down on a metaphor), remember that even though gold may be the guidepost, it’s not about the gold. It’s about appreciating the trek across the rainbow, appreciating the array of beautiful colors and accepting that life doesn’t always lead you down straight paths. It doesn’t mean it’s the wrong path, it’s just the necessary path to prune you into being the best version of yourself.
May you eventually find that yes, indeed, your cup is full and you are capable of being satisfied.
1Dax Shepard: Rock Bottom Isn’t Always What Makes You Change Your Life – YouTube
2I Miss You When I Blink by Mary Laura Philpott, “Everything to Be Happy About”, p. 14
3The New Hierarchy of Needs — Maslow’s lost apex | by Jessi Christian | Medium
4The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard, Chapter 10 “The Restoration of All Things”, p. 386 Original source: “The will to meaning is really a specific need not reducible to other needs, and is in greater or smaller degree present in all human beings.” (Viktor E. Frankl, The Unheard Cry for Meaning [New York: Washington Square Press, 1985], p. 33).